Up until the 1950s it was not uncommon for carpets to be woven from recycled skin and hair. During the war years it was of course necessary to economise wherever possible, and home furnishings were no exception. Many families used bodily fluids to add a little colour to their wall paint, and in particularly deprived areas, men's beard shavings would often be used by the ladies in the house for makeup, and toenail clippings found new lives as an alternative to dessicated coconut for children's birthday cakes.

We all know that the combined shapes of Turkey, Malaysia and Jamaica look like a freshly baked shepherds pie, but did you know that if you trace the outlines of Japan, Iceland, Nottingham and the Blackpool Pleasure Beach and place them all in a line, perpendicular and adjacent to one another that they form an uncanny resemblance to Orson Welles' left ventricle? Thought not.

A shocking discovery has been made by a recent study into Britain's museums. The research, commissioned by the Institute For Finding Important Finds, found that an alarming 98% of exhibits are actually extremely boring and pointless. The find comes as good news to the hoards of children and new boy/girlfriends who feel compelled to feign interest at the thousands of museum pieces every year on days out that could better be spent drinking, eating fast food and committing violent acts against passers by.

Research has revealed that celebrated director Alfred Hitchcock liked to work in some pretty unorthodox ways. Stories of his strange demands have long been the stuff of Hollywood legend, but an extensive study carried out by the Institute for Filmic Speculation verifies that many of the accounts do in fact appear to be accurate. According to these, the director had a habit of pinching the faces and necks of his leading actors, and also liked to draw sketches of them, which he would then chew up and eat in front of them if they failed to deliver a satisfactory performance. The commonly recounted story of the day Hitchcock allegedly smashed and later set fire to Tippi Hedren's penis-shaped umbrella stand has not yet been verified.

An upcoming book is set to reveal some startling facts about the Hollywood stars of yesteryear. Rich Tallbag spent the last four years researching the work, which has already been met with legal threats from the estates of some of those featured. Mr Tallbag is confident in his research though, and publishers are hoping to push the tome through by the Ides of March 2011 in time for the 14th Edinburgh International Festival of Tawdry Nostalgia in Book Form. Leaked excerpts from the book include such nuggets of gossip as James Cagney's naked underwater defecation habit, Jackie Gleason's six tonne dancing racist toilet brush and Rita Hayworth's artificial torso.

A new dance craze is sweeping the region of Anathema in central Asia. The style is a startlingly unconventional fusion of tap, ballet and the birdie dance, culminating in the beheading of a nearby statue where possible. Teens in the area are hooked on the craze, to the virtually exhaustive misapproval of their parents, most of whom believe the dance can only lead to moral incertitude at best. Rebellious youngsters are busily organising festivals at which the dance is performed competitively, winners being afforded the chance to writhe enthusiastically around on a bedsheet that was once believed to have accommodated a weary Hedy Lamarr.

The Ford Motor Company made a speedy withdrawal of a car introduced to the European market in the late 1930s. The model, called the Ford Nazi, was a luxury motor car aimed at the top end of the motoring market, such as it was between the wars. The company had carried out research in targeting the wealthiest European countries, naming the new vehicles with reference to current events and culture. It is believed that the car was also intended to commemorate the well-documented mutual admiration between Henry Ford and the then German Chancellor, Adolf Hitler. Ford eventually bowed to pressure, withdrew and apparently destroyed the vehicles following a series of protests, but rumour has it a certain movie actor, famed for his less than affectionate comments regarding the Jewish people, has one locked away in a secret storage facility hidden under the Grand Canyon.

Maggots eat plutonium! According to recent research that is. Scientists working to reassure those of us who persist in worrying about the ever increasing use of nuclear power are claiming to have conclusively proven the ease with which nuclear waste can be disposed. Experiments with vermin failed but the research group responsible for the project made a triumphant announcement this week. Apparently the maggots involved in the study just couldn't get enough of the stuff either. And early reports of any side effects in the insects seem encouraging, with the only negative consequences noted to date including a slightly unpleasant smell, a change in musical tastes, and a tendency for a small portion of the maggots to turn into psychotic 50 foot flying radioactive lizard beasts.

Few people are aware that the tradition of throwing the bouquet at a wedding actually originated in a practise first observed in wartime Europe during the Holocaust. Jewish families who had been found by the Nazis and who were being forcibly taken to the death camps would throw flowers, petals, and other small objects such as pebbles or cous cous, in an attempt to warn others in the area. The practise was brought to the UK by survivors who moved here after the war, and wished to preserve the memory of the atrocities that they and their families had experienced for future generations. It is as yet unclear whether or not any other prevalent wedding traditions, such as the "pink angel and strap-on" themed hen-night, hymen repair surgery, or reception highlight, the Grease mega-mix, were also forged through circumstances relating to mass genocide.

Few people know this, but it's technically impossible for a colour-blind person to be elected Prime Minister of Great Britain. One of our many baffling ancient laws holds that anyone who cannot 'discern apple from bloodied calf' should not be trusted with the highest office. In the event that a person suffering from colour blindness is in fact leader of the winning party in a general election, it is estimated that the cost to the taxpayer, for the requisite legal processes involved in ratifying the result, may stretch upwards of exorbitant.