 Round up of the latest gossip together with some of the whackier news stories.
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| A certain Finnish driving-instructor turned celebrity acrobat has reportedly been spotted coming out of the London branch of Personal Cosmetic Loveliness Ltd. The clinic specialises in 'intimate' procedures for women over a certain age who want to appear 'younger'. Services offered include Creative Pubescence, in which 'the biological process of puberty is reversed in some areas and enhanced in others' - in other words, they make your tits bigger and your hole smaller. |
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Wednesday, 25 March 2009 |
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| Bird faeces make a delicious pasta sauce when combined with butternut squash and a touch of Balsamic vinegar, according to fashionable young chef Richie Tarquin who has recently opened his first restaurant Food n' That in West London. The eatery has already become the place to be spotted (by the squads of journalists deviously lured and kept there by a plastic replica of Carol Vorderman's left tit) and has been frequented by the likes of Madonna, Jocky Wilson and It-girl Chiffon Hoover, heir to the famed vacuum cleaner empire. |
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Friday, 13 March 2009 |
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| The latest Hollywood weight loss fad has caused concerned doctors to launch a public awareness campaign. FleshRelease reportedly involves having your hands, feet, head, knees and shoulders dipped in gravy. You are then left on a ravaged hillside where birds of prey are encouraged to peck at you, removing unsightly bulges. Celebrated acting performer Sheril Dancom is rumoured to be hooked on the technique, having tried it in preparation for the recent Oscars ceremony. Many viewers suspected something unusual when they noticed part of her left eye was missing. |
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Tuesday, 10 March 2009 |
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| Parents of several young followers of the Church of Endogalactic Wingtarians are growing increasingly worried following reports that members are being encouraged to undergo a controversial surgical procedure in which their eyelids are removed. Leaders of the Church have issued a Press Release in which they describe the process as a Gentle Irradiating Caress, accusing the concerned parents of stifling their offspring's Illuminative Growth. |
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Tuesday, 03 March 2009 |
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| Hollywood's newest mother Amanda McNapkin is rumoured to be negotiating a deal with Hiya!!! magazine. Exclusive photos of the afterbirth are due to be released later this month according to celebrity-slapper-media-type industry insiders. Ms McNapkin shot to fame when her story was the subject of an internet-based socially networked blogsoap drama serial. The 26 year old Sagittarius infamously impregnated herself using 2 traffic cones and a garden hose. |
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Thursday, 26 February 2009 |
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| According to the latest Hollywood gossip mongers, Gwyneth Paltrow has developed an insatiable appetite for all things cutlery; the actress is rumoured to be losing her seven-year battle with the fetish, which includes table knives, forks and spoons (dessert, soup and tea but not those stupid little plastic things you get in Starbucks etc) and has to date cost Ms Paltrow an estimated $6.4billion in shiny plastic money-cards. |
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a while ago |
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| Babies are being born without hair or fingerprints or eyelashes in South Wales where pregnant women have been prescribed experimental vitamin tablets containing eel genes over the last five years. The babies, who are yet to comment on the scandal, also have glowing eyes and several are reported to have crushed their parents to death. |
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a while ago |
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| Research has revealed that the ubiquitous gherkins on burgers from a leading fast-food chain are treated with an addictive narcotic substance designed to get burger-users hooked on that particular brand. The gherkins, which help to ensure that the produce of the chain meets EEC guidelines relating to health and nutrition, are fucking revolting. |
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a while ago |
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