Mark Kaftan gives this years winner of FHM's Golden Teabag award, footsoccer enthusiast and skin fashion icon Davis Goreflax the standard BrainDeadAir excessive consultation process treatment.

First bike?
A Raleigh Fission with detachable Manhattan Project lunchbox.

Most treasurable sporting memory?
Frank Talkak missing a penalty kickbox in 1987's United Regions and Adjacent Areas Championship Tournament Qualifier Match and Buffet.

Last toilet incident?
Number 3s and a dash of coughed up bile following an over-zealous vermouth and banana jus drinking session.

Most influential sexual story related by a friend or family member?
Probably the time my aunt's boyfriend told me about his retarded gay transsexual encounter with a swarm of bees.

Favourite childhood footwear?
The Tomy adjustable roller-skate style loafer clog circa 1976.

Archibald Dingtam wasn't always the uncompromising engineer of cultural thought experimentation that we know and gladly tolerate today. Before finding solace in the arts, Arch worked at a swimming pool, scraping stray plasters off the surface of the water. Now he scrapes the stubborn layer of hypocrisy off the face of our floundering society's stupid head with his astonishingly astute artworks.

"I used to look at children swimming about in the pool everyday and think: 'someone could kill these kids at any moment, and what does the Council do? Sweep leaves out of the gutters of the poor, that's what.' And it was this recurring reality that inspired my first installation in the local town hall car park annexe."

That installation proved to be very much more than a non-event, and a favourable piece in the newsletter of the veteran's bowling club based in a neighbouring town was the first sign that people were beginning to sit up and take notice, before standing up and shouting loudly about it to everyone within earshot. Archibald was fully prepared for the backlash of course, you can't ritually slaughter several infants on camera and seriously expect the powers that be to recognise the irony inherent in the premise.

"I did it because it had to be done. The fact is that anyone could have killed those children at any time, and the only way to prove it was to go ahead and do it myself. I'm not expecting thanks anytime soon, but when you're tucking your little ones in tonight, remember, they might just be a bit safer because of what I did."

The campaign to free Mr Dingtam continues, although those involved have so far been rendered entirely in bitter disappointment by the refusal of human rights organisations to accept that Arch is a political prisoner. Knowing you've single handedly forged unprecedented artistic and societal progress is scant comfort in the face of a life sentence and a never ending-procession of increasingly tiresome ill-informed cell mates.

Archibald Dingtam provided Kathy Tabitha with a rare glimpse into the wondrousness of his insight exclusively for BrainDeadAir.

This week culinary genius and all-round good eggplant Flan Tuckstipple talks rubber and loveliness as he tells it Like It Is.

Not all kidneys are kidney-shaped.
I learned that on a communal learnative retreat in Thailand last year.

People aren't nicer to you if you walk with a pronounced limp.
Although a missing limb helps.

MoWanc smoothies come in 3 sizes: adequate, ample and generously lavish.
Although the smallest ones are really just for pre-school children (and the poor).

I didn't actually eat sellotape at all until I was 23 years old.
And I never looked back - my butternut squash and sellotape lasagne has been on the menu ever since.

Flan Tuckstipple is proprietor of Dine Then Die in Hammersmith and has written several popular cheques.

Martha Jobswine is best known as this year's Domestos & Virgin's Tailored Personality winner. Prior to her spectacular victory at the annual contest, judged by Dennis Waterman, Jodie Marsh and Neil Kinnock, she was known only to the few clients who frequented her Chelsea Healthiness and Lifestyle Induction Centre. These days things are a little more hectic for our Mar', with her agent handling upwards of seven calls a week from desperate celebrities trying to get in on the action. Why, I asked her, didn't she just fuck off?

"Well it's an interesting question, I suppose that's one thing I've really never known how to do, if I'm being completely honest with you."

> How about giving it a fucking try right now then? I'll show you how, you just stand up, leave the room and disappear forever.

"Alright then let's give it a go."

Martha Jobswine was speaking to Mary Vandeline Jr

This month braindeadair.com is delighted to present the first in a range of 'self-interrogation' pieces, in which prominent public figures give their own lives a thorough going over, channeling the results into a big list of words. First up, Stevie Christ.
...
Born at the age of 11, to a dinner-lady and his devoted wife, I was fortunate enough to enjoy an abusive childhood. My father, a man, was very much a disciplinarian and extra-terrestrial being; he believed that children should be devoured at the age of 15, a prospect that dominated my thoughts somewhat at certain times. My mother, however, was the beautiful chat show host who taught me to lie.
...
Saint Bruce's Primary, Copenhagen, in the 1950s, was a school dominated by a small but influential group of Buddhist monks, one year senior to myself and Wand MacPherson (then Andy), the famous window-dressing conjurer of the latter half of the 17th century. My faithful friend and I ended the cruel regime of enlightenment at the hands of the Buddhists, with a 4 day massacre of the entire school, leaving no survivors except Stevie and myself, to tell the tale of our own glory.
...
In 1958, Stevie and myself both fell in love and pursued brief affairs with Shirley Bassey and, after a bloody battle, Stevie died.
...
Upon leaving school, I swiftly achieved fame in the turbulent world of orienteering, having been given a piece of rope for my 40th birthday. My love affair with this noble sport was, however, cut short when I was mauled to death by a wild hedgehog while scaling an industrial estate near Liverpool. I subsequently turned my attentions to more civilised pursuits and became a politician when that didn't work out, representing the Greater Moscow area at the Parliament of European Piss Artists 1955-67.
...
Following several successful marriages to Macaulay Culkin, and having given birth to five or six children, eight of them boys and the rest quadrupeds of some kind, I was struck by the realisation that parenting was really not for me. I thereby sold the children to John Travolta, who needed them for a buffet he was preparing for the Christening of a friend's swimming pool.
...
During the summer of 1947, I was forced to accept that I must give up my beloved ballet, due to a broken toenail inflicted on me by my grandfather while playing strip poker. It pains me to this day, I suppose I should probably show it to a doctor.
...
The Autumn years of my life have largely been spent performing in a cabaret act known as 'Pigeons of Doom', touring the pubs and clubs of the Aberdeen area, sometimes attracting audiences upwards of 0. The idiosyncratic while loyal fan-based collective generated by the group recently went on to win the gold medal for sniffing at the 1978 winter olympics.
...
Since the time of my death in 1987, I have enjoyed nothing more than teasing a rodent on a crisp Monday morning. I find that it keeps the skin on my hands soft and prevents the local people from throwing too many stones at me, since I am less terrifying to their children when wearing the special helmet.
...
Stevie Christ has been promoting violence as a means to have a really good time since the 1950s. He is the celebrated author of several books, including Slaughter - Don't Knock It Till You've Tried It. Stevie Christ was sectioned under the Mental Health Act in 1998.

Over the past five years Stevie Christ has gone from stacking shelves to snorting top-grade cocaine from the cleavages of pole-dancing builders. Since spurting to fame in the 1997 road movie "For The Love Of God Give Me A Biscuit", Stevie has enjoyed his pick of the Hollywood leading-man roles; the reason I ask him why he's done nothing but utter shite.  SC: "Well, isn't what you're really asking: what is more important, love or freedom?"

Stevie Christ's latest movie "If I Could Ask You To Pass The Sugar I Would; Unfortunately I've Been Mute Since Childhood" is released on Friday.