Mark Kaftan gives this years winner of FHM's Golden Teabag award, footsoccer enthusiast and skin fashion icon Davis Goreflax the standard BrainDeadAir excessive consultation process treatment.

First bike?
A Raleigh Fission with detachable Manhattan Project lunchbox.

Most treasurable sporting memory?
Frank Talkak missing a penalty kickbox in 1987's United Regions and Adjacent Areas Championship Tournament Qualifier Match and Buffet.

Last toilet incident?
Number 3s and a dash of coughed up bile following an over-zealous vermouth and banana jus drinking session.

Most influential sexual story related by a friend or family member?
Probably the time my aunt's boyfriend told me about his retarded gay transsexual encounter with a swarm of bees.

Favourite childhood footwear?
The Tomy adjustable roller-skate style loafer clog circa 1976.