Martha Jobswine is best known as this year's Domestos & Virgin's Tailored Personality winner. Prior to her spectacular victory at the annual contest, judged by Dennis Waterman, Jodie Marsh and Neil Kinnock, she was known only to the few clients who frequented her Chelsea Healthiness and Lifestyle Induction Centre. These days things are a little more hectic for our Mar', with her agent handling upwards of seven calls a week from desperate celebrities trying to get in on the action. Why, I asked her, didn't she just fuck off?

"Well it's an interesting question, I suppose that's one thing I've really never known how to do, if I'm being completely honest with you."

> How about giving it a fucking try right now then? I'll show you how, you just stand up, leave the room and disappear forever.

"Alright then let's give it a go."

Martha Jobswine was speaking to Mary Vandeline Jr