This month braindeadair.com is delighted to present the first in a range of 'self-interrogation' pieces, in which prominent public figures give their own lives a thorough going over, channeling the results into a big list of words. First up, Stevie Christ.
...
Born at the age of 11, to a dinner-lady and his devoted wife, I was fortunate enough to enjoy an abusive childhood. My father, a man, was very much a disciplinarian and extra-terrestrial being; he believed that children should be devoured at the age of 15, a prospect that dominated my thoughts somewhat at certain times. My mother, however, was the beautiful chat show host who taught me to lie.
...
Saint Bruce's Primary, Copenhagen, in the 1950s, was a school dominated by a small but influential group of Buddhist monks, one year senior to myself and Wand MacPherson (then Andy), the famous window-dressing conjurer of the latter half of the 17th century. My faithful friend and I ended the cruel regime of enlightenment at the hands of the Buddhists, with a 4 day massacre of the entire school, leaving no survivors except Stevie and myself, to tell the tale of our own glory.
...
In 1958, Stevie and myself both fell in love and pursued brief affairs with Shirley Bassey and, after a bloody battle, Stevie died.
...
Upon leaving school, I swiftly achieved fame in the turbulent world of orienteering, having been given a piece of rope for my 40th birthday. My love affair with this noble sport was, however, cut short when I was mauled to death by a wild hedgehog while scaling an industrial estate near Liverpool. I subsequently turned my attentions to more civilised pursuits and became a politician when that didn't work out, representing the Greater Moscow area at the Parliament of European Piss Artists 1955-67.
...
Following several successful marriages to Macaulay Culkin, and having given birth to five or six children, eight of them boys and the rest quadrupeds of some kind, I was struck by the realisation that parenting was really not for me. I thereby sold the children to John Travolta, who needed them for a buffet he was preparing for the Christening of a friend's swimming pool.
...
During the summer of 1947, I was forced to accept that I must give up my beloved ballet, due to a broken toenail inflicted on me by my grandfather while playing strip poker. It pains me to this day, I suppose I should probably show it to a doctor.
...
The Autumn years of my life have largely been spent performing in a cabaret act known as 'Pigeons of Doom', touring the pubs and clubs of the Aberdeen area, sometimes attracting audiences upwards of 0. The idiosyncratic while loyal fan-based collective generated by the group recently went on to win the gold medal for sniffing at the 1978 winter olympics.
...
Since the time of my death in 1987, I have enjoyed nothing more than teasing a rodent on a crisp Monday morning. I find that it keeps the skin on my hands soft and prevents the local people from throwing too many stones at me, since I am less terrifying to their children when wearing the special helmet.
...
Stevie Christ has been promoting violence as a means to have a really good time since the 1950s. He is the celebrated author of several books, including Slaughter - Don't Knock It Till You've Tried It. Stevie Christ was sectioned under the Mental Health Act in 1998.