More and more women are now speaking out about their experiences of RSA (Rodental Sexual Assault).  Although little is yet known about this terrible problem, experts estimate that anything up to 500 million* women have been raped by a rodent or small bird.  Piti Jackson is one of them and is going to tell her story here, right now.

To look at me now I bet you'd never know I was once so desperate I begged a tramp to strike me repeatedly on the forehead with a suede ankle-boot.  That was before I met Maxine Tiring, the American homeoanalytic therapist who saved my life…

I met Maxine at a Tupperware party thrown by a friend of my mother's drug dealer.  She was attempting to remove a piece of quiche from a particularly durable container when she spotted me across the room and instantly knew.  I have to admit at first I was a little sceptical about Maxine's insistence that I was in fact a victim of RSA but had erased the event from my memory, the trauma having been so great.  Gradually though, through a process of hypnosis and calculated doses of a special herbal cocktail administered by my good friend once every day, I began to remember the incident in its entirety.

I had been out walking my pet sock on the heath when suddenly a vole the size of a golf ball leapt out from behind a discarded crisp packet and proceeded to force itself upon me. I couldn't believe it, I mean I've never even taken it up the arse or anything. Naturally my initial response to these new memories was to attempt to take my own life by drowning in the bath, since I had seen Britney Spears doing something similar in a video and it seemed rather appropriate. Luckily my attempt failed and, a week later, with the help of Maxine, I have begun to live life again. Sometimes she'll catch me playing about with my rubber ducky, and she'll look at me as if to say, 'don't you even think about it or I'll smother you in your own sick'. And I go back to my cushions and forget the whole thing ever happened.

*Actual estimate = 0

If you think you or someone you know may have been affected by RSA, you should immediately contact the RSA Helpline on 01111 111 111 so that we can laugh heartily in your faces.