So I was talking to Claire and she kept going on about how I should definitely wear at least two bracelets to that work thing later in the month and I can kind of see what she means but at the same time I don't want to come across all kind of accessories and spangles and blah blah blah. So instead I thought I might just go for the pink underwired corset smock and kaftan overcoat with built in hairnet paired with my groin, nipple and arse-cheek free leotard but now I'm a bit worried about whether or not that says too much "hey I'm totally into all fashion and coolness and things". So maybe I should just paint my toes and fingernails a kind of opaque indigo yellow and then TATTOO a pair of BLOATED FUCKING BALLS on my LEFT CHEEK and then RAM a gleaming 6ft ENAMELED SPIKE 100% OF THE WAY UP MYSELF.

That was an excerpt from Haisie Tumquack's forthcoming novel Oh My God What Am I Going To Wear To That Work Thing Later This Month?????